Scrum Sucks Ass

Scrum generally sucks big ole monkey balls. Not that the idea of scrum is inherently bad, but it lends itself to being exploited by different personalities, wether intentional or not. Here are some of the ways scrum gets derailed:

The over zealous Scrum-master

So someone just did a weekend course on the company’s dime and got a meaningless certificate. Let’s call this person Bob. And Bob is excited to put all the great things he ‘learned’ to good use. Big dreams. Big goals. Big Bob is gonna do it all. He’s a real go get ‘er.

Bob wants ice breakers to kick off the sprint meeting. Bob is in the meeting room 5 minutes early for daily Scrum, staring down his team. Bob decides to pull a bunch of people with a few hours to spare per week to put on the project. Bob can’t understand why the Jira board isn’t moving while team members are catching up new members who only work a few hours a week on the project. Bob is upset when delivery is late. Bob schedules extra meetings to get to the bottom of it. Bob is an idiot. Bob is destined for management.

The Blabber Mouth

You’re lucky if you don’t have this person on your team. The daily standup is going smoothly. “What I did. What I’m doing. Do I have any roadblocks.” Most people don’t talk more than a minute. But you’re waiting, because you know it’s about to be their turn. Then it happens. Blabber Mouth Marty. Fucking Marty doesn’t know when to shut up. Marty thinks he looks oh so fucking cool when he describes, in painful detail, his solution to his problem. Rather than being a normal developer and just saying, “I fixed that bug”, Marty wants approval and admiration. Not from the other devs, because we don’t give a shit. Marty is sucking up to Bob. The problem is, Bob is actually impressed. Fuckers. Two peas in a shit pod.

Your eyes are glazed over. You’re thinking about what you’ll work on next, or how badly you need to piss. Marty is now asking questions that should be in the fucking project requirements. But Bob is sucked in. He lives for this shit. Daily standup just turned into a full blown meeting.

I hate you, Marty.

The Ass

So your plate is pretty full, right? You’re juggling a few different issues at once. You’re stressed. Like butter spread across too much bread. You mention an issue you’re hung up on. Fair enough. You have a lot going on, and it’s tricky.

But Ass-Hole Larry just kinda scoffs. Man. Fuck you.

Pigpen

Remember Pigpen from The Peanuts? He was the dirty, smelly poor kid in the class. Except this guy at works makes as much or more money than you do, yet he still can’t seem to afford soap. Well, that’s what you assume, because that is the only logical reason why someone would clean before coming to work like a normal fucking human.

This guy(s)(woman/women) can’t seem to figure out that I can smell him coming. I literally know he’s walking up just because of his smell. Just fucking shower and roll on some deodorant. God damn.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *